Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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