You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
