Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.