wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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