remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
