Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
