My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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