There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
