He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
