I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
