Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
