wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
