My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
