look no pants
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
PANTIES FOUND
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