Little spoons don't ask big questions
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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