Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
