I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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