He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
