It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
