you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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