Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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