Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
