Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
