I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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