She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you traded sex for a burrito?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
