Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
