I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
