Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
