is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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