He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
