Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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