At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
