listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
