HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
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I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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