just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
