M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
