Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
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fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
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MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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