Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
