What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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