So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
