I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
