It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires