Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery