oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
