Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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