Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We are two peas in an std pod
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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