my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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