I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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