My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
