did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
