do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
