my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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