Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
