After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
