i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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