I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
