I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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