i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
