hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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