I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
