I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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