I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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